A lot of interest was expressed in my last newsletter which helped you identify emotional abuse and bullying behaviour. I also helped you identify the inexplicable emotions, thoughts and often physical illness you experience when under the influence of an emotional/mental bully. I asked you to take a moment and look around you. How many people can you identify in your lives who affect you like this? Why is it that some people find it easy to identify this behaviour and many cannot? And the most important question is “what is the lesson and what to do?â€
The saddest thing is that so often it is the people closest to us and those who profess to love us the most who are the worst offenders. In essence they know that they can ‘get away with it’. Generally we tend to believe that ‘blood is thicker than water’ and that family and loved ones will never harm us. There is a strong element of forgiveness and acceptance that we store especially for people close to us. This is one reason that a victim finds it difficult to recognize what is happening to them. “Why would my wife/husband/mom treat me badly?â€
The bully knows how to select their ‘victim’ (sometimes sub-consciously, deliberately at other times) and will prey on the soft, gentle, naïve, innocent, trusting, giving, compassionate and most tolerant of people. They also have an uncanny knack of knowing when someone is emotionally vulnerable, honing in to take advantage and control of a person who is emotionally weak or fatigued; also taking advantage of possible physical weakness and an immune system that is compromised and thus adding to their being defenseless.
When a person finds themselves in an abusive relationship of any sort, outsiders will often say to the person “Can’t you see what is going on?†“You must get a kick out of this relationship.†“It’s your own fault as you are the one allowing itâ€. “It’s your karma. Suck it up!†“Oh, it’s in your genes. Just like your mother!†All of these are a possibility, but I would like to add to these rote type statements.
We see the world very subjectively through our own eyes, from our personal experience and through our own filters of knowledge. We do NOT see the world as it is actually is! A liar will generally be able to spot a lie a mile off. A bitter twisted person will view the world as bitter and twisted. A trusting gentle soul will expect all people to be the same. An ‘ugly’ person will spot ‘ugliness’ with ease and a person who only sees the good in people will presume that all people are good and will expect everyone to have the same perception. An overly sensitive person expects others to be equally sensitive and presumes they will be treated accordingly.
BUT! We cannot see, let alone face or cope with what we are incapable of recognizing and identifying. In order to see with objective clarity we have to learn about certain aspects of life through experience. We have to learn, like we do in school, about what we don’t already know, cannot see or easily identify.
Most bully victims find themselves totally caught up in the situation quite unwittingly, and before they even know it. They were not able to see the bully coming; not able to recognize what was going on. The obvious lesson here for all abused victims is to learn to identify their attacker first and foremost. The next step is to stop them in their tracks by drawing a line or a boundary. But how do you set a boundary when you do not know that you need to? This can turn so easily into a vicious cycle and habit not easily broken away from!
Of course many people turn a blind eye to abuse for other reasons of a more selfish nature; a primary one is not wanting to be seen as interfering and/or not wanting to seen to be involved with socially unacceptable behaviour. I will make this the topic of my next newsletter. I ask you to be more aware of bullying and emotionally abusive behaviour and put a stop to it. Teach kindness each day instead.
With love,
Barbara.
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